Not able to convince my friend that she was brainwashed with religious superstition, I told her I didn’t want to waste any more time on any of this religious stuff. This was it; I wanted no more. What was happening inside of me was turmoil. The conversations stirred up old guilt; there was no way God, if He existed at all, could forgive me. Yes, I needed something to give my life meaning and purpose, but I just couldn’t see having to do penance for the rest of my life. The religious life would be too hard anyway, and my sinful desires were too difficult to resist, even though my life was empty. In short, these thoughts were too much to handle, and it would be easier to return to my known way of life. I told my friend I was done with it all. I was ready to watch her get out of my car in the driveway of her parent’s home, and then I would drive off, never to talk with her again.

At that point, eternity hung in the balance for me. There was silence, and then she asked, “Can I pray for you before you go?” I said something to the effect of, “Sure, if you want to.” Then she began. I remember nothing of what she said, not a word. But I recall clearly how she prayed, like someone talking naturally to another individual in the car. Scripted prayers were all I knew, but hers were like talking to a friend. I sat there behind the wheel, listening. Then she stopped, and there was silence. I didn’t make a move, so she prayed again.

I knew this was a pivotal point in my life; I needed to do business with God. All my doubts and arguments aside, it was about my relationship with Him, if He really existed. What lay before me was the awesome, almost unbelievable idea, that the Creator-God of the universe actually loved me despite my having turned my back on Him, lived a sinful lifestyle, and even cursed freely using His name. It seemed too good to be true that He wanted to freely forgive me, even more so that He wanted me!

I would be a fool to reject God if He did exist. But, then again, I would be a fool to turn religious if He did not exist. What a dilemma. It would require an enormous leap of faith to believe in God! I was caught between the two, shall I say, options. Accept or reject. She kept praying.

My mind turned to contemplating what a religious conversion should look like. Would I jump up and ecstatically yell, “Hallelujah,” break out into weeping for joy, or sit in the car with a knowing, satisfied, esoteric expression on my face? What was I supposed to do? Being a skeptic at heart, I didn’t want to buy into anything that required conformity to something that was not real. Whatever happened, I wanted it to be genuine. I wanted proof that God was there; I was trying to believe. I had always thought the proof would come through my understanding Him, figuring Him out analytically. I had to get my mind around the concept of God, but no proof was forthcoming.

As my friend prayed on and off, I stewed in my conflicting thoughts. I couldn’t, at the time, fully explain what happened or what the trigger point was, but the realization came from a verse I read in the Bible, Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and don’t lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” That was it! God was saying that my reason was not trustworthy, but He was. That was what I needed to believe. This realization didn’t mean that I couldn’t use my mind but that my reason should not be the ultimate determination of whether there was a God. In a very rudimentary form, I realized that if I could completely figure Him out, then He wasn’t very big, or I would be pretty arrogant.

A light began to shine in my mind. As I sat there, the answers for my objections started to flood in. The world’s suffering does not disprove there is no deity but confirms what happens when people reject God! The reality of many religions believing different things about spirituality does not mean that God is simply a human construct. No, if He exists, then it makes sense that there is only one truth and He would want to reveal Himself, and that was what He was doing in me. I was overwhelmingly amazed at what was being revealed to me! I was awestruck!

But now, a decision was before me. The barrier of unbelief was broken. I did believe there was a God and that He existed. The question now was, would I surrender to Him?  (To be continued.)