(Adapted from Dr. Paul Meier and Dr. Paul Minrith)

Years ago, I sat under the teaching of Drs. Meier and Minrith, Christian psychologists and prolific writers on mental and emotional health issues. While my wife Mary and I attribute the longevity of our marriage (46 years and counting) to many reasons (the Lord being the supreme one), these 24 “rules” have become ingrained in our relationship and have provided an excellent guideline for resolving conflict between us. May these guidelines help you, the readers, grow in your marriages as well. (Chuck Gianotti)

All humans can be selfish and exhibit false pride at times. Anyone who is married is married to a sinner! If a married couple claims they have not had any conflicts or disagreements in years, then one partner has put his (or her) brain on a shelf and let the other think for both. Many mature, godly adults have admitted privately that it took numerous years of frequent marital conflicts before they arrived at a satisfactory marriage with good communication. The following are some proven guidelines for “fighting fair” in a healthy Christian marriage:

1. Sincerely commit your lives to Jesus Christ as Lord.
2. Consider the marriage a life-long commitment, just as Christ is eternally committed to His bride, the Church.
3. Agree to always listen to each other’s feelings, even if you disagree with the appropriateness of those feelings.
4. Commit yourselves to both honesty and acceptance.
5. Determine to attempt to love each other unconditionally, with each partner assuming 100% of the responsibility for resolving marital conflicts (the 50/50 concept seldom works).
6. Consider all the factors in a conflict before bringing it up with your spouse.
7. Confess any personal sin in the conflict to Christ before confronting your spouse.
8. Limit the conflict to the here and now – never bring up past failures, since all past failures should already have been forgiven.
9. Eliminate the following words from your vocabulary:

• • “You never” or “You always ….”
  • “I can’t” (always substitute “I can’t” with “I won’t”)
  • “I’ll try” (usually means “I’ll make a half-hearted effort but won’t quite succeed.”)
  • “You should” or “You shouldn’t” (a parent-to-child statement)

10. Limit the discussion to the one issue that is the center of the conflict.
11. Focus on that issue rather than attacking each other.
12. Ask your spouse if he/she would like some time to think about the conflict before discussing it (but never put it off past bedtime – Eph. 4:26).
13. Each spouse should use “I feel …” messages, telling his/her response to whatever words or behavior aroused the conflict. For example, “I feel angry toward you for coming home late for supper without calling me first” is an adult-to-adult message, whereas “You should always call me when you’re going to be late for supper” is a parent-to-child message that will raise the spouse’s defensiveness level.
14. Never say anything derogatory about your spouse’s personality. Proverbs 11:12 tells us, “he who belittles his neighbor lacks sense.”
15. Even though your spouse won’t always be correct, consider your spouse an instrument of God working in your life. Proverbs 12:1 says, “He who hates reproof is stupid.”
16. Never counterattack, even if your spouse disobeys these guidelines.
17. Don’t tell your spouse why you think he/she does what he/she does (unless you are asked), but rather stick to how you feel about what he/she does.
18. Don’t try to read your spouse’s mind. If you’re unsure what he/she meant by something, ask him/her to clarify it.
19. Commit yourselves to learning how to deal with your anger. Seek help if this is a particularly difficult problem. This will avoid depression, resulting in increased irritability and marital conflicts.
20. Be honest about your genuine emotions but keep them under control. Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man holds it back.” Proverbs 15:18 says, “A hot-tempered man serves up strife, but he who is slow to anger quits contention.”
21. Remember that resolving the conflict is important, NOT who wins or loses. If the dispute is resolved, you both win. You are on the same team, not on an opposing, competing team.
22. Agree with each other on what topics are “out of bounds” because they are too hurtful or have already been discussed (e.g., in-laws, obesity, etc.)
23. Pray about each conflict before discussing it with your spouse.
24. Commit yourselves to carefully learn and practice these “24 Guidelines for ‘Fighting Fair’ in Marriage” and agree with each other to call “foul” whenever one of you accidentally or purposefully breaks one of these guidelines.