Sometimes a bit of satire can communicate well, though I risk the danger of superficially stereotyping major and sometimes complex issues, and offending people who hold to these various belief systems. Nevertheless, I plunge ahead in the spirit of conciseness and joviality.

What is the defining and distinguishing teaching that sets each of these faith systems apart and makes them unique from all the others? The following is based on the bumper sticker: “He who dies with the most toys wins.” While the original author (unkown) of this tongue-in-cheek quip remains anonymous, it captures with incisive parody what one might find in a comparative religion course at the University of Over-Simplification.

Capitalism – He who dies with the most toys wins

Jehovah’s Witnesses – He who sells the most toys door-to-door wins

Catholicism – He who denies himself the most toys wins

Pentecostalism – He whose toys can talk wins

Buddhism – He who dies with no toys wins

Communism – Everyone gets the same number of toys, and whoever is caught selling his toys goes straight to hell

Atheism – There is no toy-maker

Polytheism – There are many toy-makers

Evolutionism – The toys made themselves

Confucianism – Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry

Hinduism – He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals loses

Mormonism – Every boy can have as many toys as he wants

Muslim – He who plays only with soldier toys wins

Satanism – He who plays with fire wins

Judaism – He who plays without following the rules loses

Anglican – They were our toys first

Greek Orthodox – No, they were OURS first

Seventh-Day Adventists – He who plays with his toys on Saturday loses

Baptist – Once played, always played

Presbyterian – Why play since the winner was determined before we started

Universalism – Everyone gets all the toys