… ⁸and last of all, as to one untimely born, He appeared to me also. ⁹For I am the least of the apostles, and not fit to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. ¹⁰But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me did not prove vain; but I labored even more than all of them, yet not I, but the grace of God with me. ¹¹Whether then it was I or they, so we preach and so you believed.

Unworthiness was the constant impression Paul could never shake throughout his Christian life. His persecution of the church, plus missing out on walking with the Lord like the other apostles, all left him with a sense of being “least of the apostles, and not fit to be called an apostle.” Yet not being paralyzed by a poor self-image, he had no qualms about identifying himself confidently as an apostle (1 Cor. 1:1) or boldly calling out the apostle Peter for hypocrisy (Gal. 2:11). We cannot fail to notice that while Paul saw being last to see the resurrected Christ was his dishonor, he was also privileged that the Lord held His last appearance for this apostle. He embraced for himself what he taught the Romans, “For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment” (Rom. 12:3).

Reminiscent of Jesus’ “I am” statement (John 8:58), Paul resides nonetheless lightyears distant when he says, “I am what I am.” Whereas Jesus was the un-predicated One for whom all credentials apply in infinite proportions, Paul predicated himself in two ways: as the persecutor of God’s people, yet as a recipient of God’s grace. That is what he was. Not pride, not false humility.

Paul’s faith was simply doing what God had called him to do, and nothing short of that. Like him, we must get beyond our own shortcomings, our past failures and sins, and our self-loathing for coming up short, and receive God’s grace humbly but boldly. Our confidence of faith does not arise from a perfect, sinless life, but from daring to believe that God can use sinners such as us.

This boldness of Paul’s faith compelled him to put in twice the effort as the other apostles. Maybe he felt a constant need to catch up to the others in terms of serving the Lord. We can enjoy imagining his conversation with Peter, John, and James (the half-brother of Jesus) when he met them for the first time in Jerusalem (Gal. 2:1-10) after his salvation. Although he did not receive the gospel message from them, he may have peppered them with questions about what life walking with Jesus was like. Yet in it all, it is grace and grace alone that is God’s work, no matter whom He uses—that is what counts.

Lord, as unworthy as I am, please use me to further the message of Your gospel.